Jokes and funny texts. English only.

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants and orders a beer.

"That must be a bit uncomfortable, mate", the barman comments as he pulls the beer.

"Yeah", the guy replies, "its driving me nuts!!"

 

A recent announce from NASA that volunteers are required for a mission to Uranus led to an avalanche of offers from gay men.





Who named Trojan condoms?
The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and ****ed everyone's day up.
Doesn't fill me with confidence.

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and ****ed off.

My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football.
What a bunch of idiots.
I'm gay because I like cock.

As I looked down at my son in his coffin, I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo cunt sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

Cocaine...... Because its cheaper than sniffing petrol

You know somethings wrong, when you double the value of your car everytime you fill the tank.

It's now official, beer is cheaper than fuel.
So this summer: "Drink, Don't Drive"

How do you know when petrol prices are at their highest?
London taxi drivers start to take the shortest route.

 

The Book vs the Movie

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending.
-Ah, the book was much better than the movie.
-Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.


That porno spam is bad stuff and I want to delete it, but it's almost like they have a chip in my head or something. Because I get these emails -- they're like: e-mail:-Do you like hot, young girls in thigh-high stockings?
me: -Yeah.
e-mail:-Do you have a credit card?
me:-For sure.
e-mail:-Do you want to add three inches onto your penis?
me:-Who's been reading my diary?

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: