Jokes and funny texts. English only.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

If your girl ever annoys you so much that you feel like hitting her, step back.
Take ten deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth.
This should give you enough energy to REALLY **** her up.

 

Wife 2 husband."Your always pushing me around & talking behind my back." He:"What the **** do you expect ? Your in a ****ing wheelchair!"

My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.

I am naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is.
I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew.
"Do you know what a blowjob is?"
She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.

When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the air-plane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?

 

My girlfriend asked me, "So what are you getting me for Christmas?"
I said, "The same as I got you last year."
She said, "But we've only known each other for 6 months."
I said, "Exactly."

 

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

 

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

 

A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Veterinarian'soffice. As she lay her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out hisstethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said;"I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away".
The distressed owner wailed; "Are you sure? I mean, you haven'tdone any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a comaor something?"
The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the roomreturning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labradordog.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood onhis hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table andsniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked atthe Vet with his sad, brown eyes and shook his head. The Vetpatted the dog and took it out of the office, but returned afew moments later with a cat!
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. Thecat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry. But like Isaid, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys andproduced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot'sowner, still in shock, took the bill.
"What's this!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird isdead?"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill wouldonly have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

<studdud> what the f**k is wtf

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<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

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<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
<ktp753>ouch.
<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad

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<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, shit

 

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


Q:What has 150 teeth and 2 eyes?
A:A crocodile .. but ..
Q:What has 150 teeth and 2 eyes?
A:A busload with pensioners

After 50 years of marriage, he dies. After 2 weeks she died too and go to heaven where they meet again:
She: Honey, I'm glad to see you!
He : Leave me alone. The contract was very clear: Till death will break us!!:rotflmao::rotflmao:

 

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? :rofl:

 

Teacher: Can you tell me the name of three great kings, who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Student: Smo-king, Drin-king, Fuc-king.

 

Life is like a donut.
If you're not in the dough, you're in the hole.

 

The two beautiful lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.It was very nice of them but I think they misunderstood me when I said ” I wanna watch”

 

Nothing is impossible.
My mom said I'd never move out of the house.
Now look at me.
I'm 41 and living in the garage!

 

Nothing is impossible.
My mom said I'd never move out of the house.
Now look at me.
I'm 41 and living in the garage!

 

What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."


There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F**K YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

My house has a room full of mirrors. Sometimes I go there to reflect.

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Never moon a werewolf.

With great power comes a great electric bill.

 

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.




The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . .. . . On any land.
No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .




With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.




The officer is clearly terrified..




The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . .. . .


"Your badge. Show him your F**kin BADGE!"